


A Critical Hit!

by MachineQueen



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Beach fic, M/M, Modern AU, Romantic Comedy, ferdibert, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26816158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MachineQueen/pseuds/MachineQueen
Summary: Edelgard drags Hubert to the beach.It is difficult to keep your goth vibe intact in brilliant sunshine. Especially when a pretty man almost knocks you out with a frisbee.Modern AU.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra, background Edeleth - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 130





	A Critical Hit!

**Author's Note:**

> Modern AU for a [kinkmeme fill](https://3houseskinkmeme.dreamwidth.org/1608.html?replyto=2279752&thread=2279752)
> 
> I spent way too long not finishing this. When I started the weather was sunny and gorgeous. Now it's stormy and been raining 36 hours. Hubert would probably prefer it though.
> 
> [@MachineQueen4](https://twitter.com/MachineQueen4)

“I think we should turn the music off. We might scare her.”

Edelgard pressed the eject button on the CD player. Silence filled Hubert’s beaten up Nissan. Practically vintage, it had been sitting in a lonely corner of the garage with its wheels buried in last winter’s leaves. Hubert bought the thing because he felt sorry for it more than anything else. 

‘Masters of Metal: Hard & Heavy Hits’ snapped neatly back into its plastic case. Personally, Hubert thought the music would be a good talking point. But he was the last person anyone would ask for dating advice. He fiddled with the knob for the radio.

“What kind of music does Byleth like?”

“No idea. I just think we should get to know each other better before I unleash Black Sabbath. What do normal people listen to?”

Hubert’s hand froze. “Are you going to pretend to be _normal_? Really?”

“It’s not a dirty word, you know. And I really, really like her.” Edelgard checked her makeup in the mirror, pulling at magenta-tinted mousy locks. “Is the lipstick too much?” 

“For the beach, probably. Perhaps you should ask someone _normal_.”

“Don’t be like that! You should have invited someone too. It was supposed to be a double date.”

Dating him would surely be a nightmare come true for anyone Hubert saw on a regular basis. He didn’t know why Edelgard kept asking him on double dates. They always ended the same way: Hubert scrolling Reddit while Edelgard’s date fell completely under her spell. By the end of the night they were making out in the back of his car. It wasn't his favourite experience in the world, but he'd rather have Edelgard safe. 

Edelgard rarely took someone out twice, but she’d been on three dates with Byleth. _Three_. And Hubert found Byleth tolerable enough. At least she wasn’t a lolita in full kawaii mode. Or a biker insisting on giving Edelgard a high speed, very dangerous ride. He might even reach the end of the date without going insane. Although maybe not. He hated the beach.

***

There was a narrow window of opportunity for the beach. Most of the year, the sea froze any daring toes into icicles. But Edelgard liked swimming. So as soon as the summer heatwaves hit, Hubert would drive her to the coast. There was always too much sand and too many people. He loathed ice cream and sunscreen and brightly coloured deckchairs. 

It was hard to be goth in a beach setting. Hubert tried his best by opening up the skull patterned parasol Edelgard bought him. He’d also a battered Stephen King novel scrounged from the local charity shop. Edelgard bullied him into leaving his beloved jacket behind but she hadn’t been able to stop him from wearing black jeans and his chunkiest boots. He’d spend hours scrubbing sand off after, but nothing on this earth could convince him into sandals. 

“Aren’t you coming swimming with us?” asked Byleth.

“I don’t swim.”

“Hubert doesn’t like the water,” said Edelgard. Why she insisted on purchasing and wearing something called a ‘tankini’ was beyond him. The bright crimson hurt his eyes, so he put his sunglasses on. 

“Why not?”

“Just think of him as a sulky tom cat,” said Edelgard. “Watch the bags for us, puss?”

“Amazing how you can insult me and ask for favours in the same breath.”

The girls left soon enough. Byleth’s bikini was so skimpy it was a wonder no one arrested her for indecent exposure. 

Hubert scanned the beach, checking the colour of the flag and that the life guard station was attended. If Edelgard started drowning, he wanted to be sure someone would save her. He could have a go but would likely end up needing help himself. There was the usual array of daytrippers, children building sandcastles and parents staking their claims with beach towels. The surfers were out in droves too, some in trunks, some still donning black wetsuits.

To his left was a gang of young students, probably about Edelgard’s age. They seemed engaged in a lively debate. Perhaps they were having a contest for ugliest beach shirt or most ridiculous hairstyle. That said, one of the boys had the most amazing long hair, blazing orange even filtered through Hubert’s sunglasses. 

It reminded Hubert of his first crush. 

No. He wasn’t there to ogle. He forced his mind back onto his book. Graveyards. Ghosts. Dark forces.

The sun was very, very hot. He shrank back under the parasol.

Time passed. A cocoon of noise broke through Hubert’s awareness. A child cried. A father shouted. When he glanced up, he could no longer see Byleth and Edelgard. They must have swam to the other side of the rocks to escape the crowds. He tried his best to immerse himself back into the story.

“Hey! Hey, watch out!”

This voice was closer than the others. When he looked up, he could see a flash of something orange.

 _Smack_. A hard, plastic object hit him, full in the face. It clattered to the ground beside him. Frisbee? Hubert felt woozy. Something warm and wet trickled onto his lip. His sunglasses shattered into two pieces and everything was suddenly far, far too bright.

“Oh goodness, gracious me! You’re bleeding. Here, let me help!”

All Hubert could see was a blur of orange running towards him.

“Pinch your nose and breathe out of your mouth.”

Why the hell was there a mermaid hanging over him, spouting nonsense? Before he could contemplate further, the mermaid pushed his head down over his knees. Hubert felt an unpleasant stickiness. There was a lot of blood.

“You must have been enjoying your book too much to hear me.”

Right. Frisbee. Flying at his face. This must be the idiot on the other end of it. Hubert dared glance up again.

He was lovely. The kind of man who’d never look at Hubert twice. He must be a surfer; he had long curling hair and a toned, tanned body. Hubert could imagine him riding the waves, bold and fearless even as the sea tried to tip him over. Something about his face was familiar. The shape of his jaw, the perfect arch of his eyebrows. Something clicked in Hubert's memory. But it couldn't be -

“What’s your name?”

“Shh. Keep your head down.”

“Name!” barked Hubert, frazzled nerves getting the better of him. 

“It is Ferdinand. And yours?”

"Ferdinand? Ferdinand von Aegir?" 

Even as he questioned it, he knew he was right. This was the former prime minister's spoilt son. The last time Hubert saw him was at a press conference. Ferdinand had dressed in a suit slightly too big for him. Despite his father’s shame, he held his head up and looked straight into the crowd. 

"No one has called me that in years. I go by my mother's last name these days. How did you recognise me?" 

"My father is Vestra."

"... Then… Hubert? But you don't look…"

"Like I live in a sewer?" 

"Well, I wouldn't put it like _that._ "

Ferdinand. A thousand old feelings bubbled under his skin. Frustration. Longing. Regret. Hubert dabbed at his nose. His hand came away bloody. 

"Ferdinand!" A campy looking guy wearing tasteless rose-themed apparel ran towards them, wielding what appeared to be a first aid kit. “I told you we should have moved further away!”

“Lorenz, this is Hubert. We knew each other at school.”

“Oh?” Lorenz thrust a packet of tissues at Hubert. “No need to worry. I’m trained in first aid. Now, we should check you don’t have a concussion.”

What followed was a series of questions Hubert only half paid attention to. How could he when Ferdinand was there, making concerned noises and pretending they hadn’t spent years hating each other? 

“Hubert! What happened?” 

Edelgard. At last. Where had she been? Water pearled across her skin and dripped from her hair. She glared at Ferdinand and Lorenz, who were both staring like they’d never seen a real human woman before. Byleth trailed in her wake, clutching a child’s plastic bucket. Had they been building sandcastles?

“Just what have you done to Hubert?” Edelgard demanded. “You do know the beach is for everyone, not just Neanderthals like yourselves?”

“Should I fight them?” asked Byleth. 

“Oh, no, no! I have no wish to fight,” said Ferdinand. “It was an accident! Hubert, I hope you will accept my apology.”

“He’s _bleeding_. And an apology is all you have to offer?” Edelgard demanded.

“A 99 cone then?” Ferdinand said. “My treat.”

“Ice cream?” Hubert scoffed into Lorenz's rose-scented tissues. “I am not twelve years old.”

“What would you like, then? The beach cafe has plenty to choose from.”

“That’s more like it,” said Edelgard. “We will be here. Though your friend will not, if he keeps staring at _my girlfriend_ like that.”

Lorenz averted his eyes from Byleth’s chest, flushing from head to foot. Hubert wondered when Byleth had been upgraded to 'girlfriend'. Edelgard hadn’t recognised Ferdinand. Should he tell her? But she was already turning away to Byleth. Ferdinand didn’t seem like he was going to reintroduce himself, too busy trying to dig out every packet of tissues from Lorenz’s first aid kit.

And so, thanks to Edelgard’s not-so-helping hand, Hubert was shepherded towards the beach cafe by a very contrite Ferdinand.

***

They claimed a table inside, out of the sun. It was blessedly quiet, a change from the busy beach. There was a bathroom where Hubert could wash his face and make use of the tissues. The bleeding had stopped but he was paler than usual. Probably shock. 

Ferdinand hadn’t come back to school after the press conference. Lessons seemed so much emptier without him sucking up to the teachers and throwing a tantrum every time Edelgard got a better test mark. 

A kitschy sprig of fake flowers decorated the cafe table. It did not make up for the uncomfortable slats on the chairs. Ferdinand carefully placed a cup of iced coffee in front of him. It came with an Instagram-worthy candy striped straw, which Hubert promptly removed. This encounter was probably in the running for Hubert’s Most Awkward Moments. He hoped Ferdinand couldn’t detect the anxiety rioting through him. 

“Did you have to take out a second mortgage for the drinks?”

Ferdinand roared with laughter. Too much laughter. “You and Edelgard left my family financially ruined. It is a bit late to worry about my wallet.”

Hubert gaped. He thought they’d talk around the subject, make awkward small talk for half an hour until they could go their separate ways. Then again, talking around things had never been Ferdinand’s style. 

“I was going to-” _Talk to you? Warn you?_ To say so would be a blatant lie. It had been Hubert and Edelgard’s first journalistic mission. Breaking into the parliamentary accounts office. Sifting through countless papers. Staring at endless lines of numbers until they added up to a scandal. Writing the press releases. Watching parliament try and devour itself like a two-headed snake in the chaos that followed.

Ferdinand's father was the worst. Thousands of public funds were spent on holiday homes and flash cars and Ferdinand's education. 

“Do not misunderstand. My father broke the law and was punished accordingly. Really I should thank you. It would have come out eventually. In any case, it was a long time ago now.”

“You didn’t show up for school after the news broke. I always wondered what happened.”

Ferdinand let out a long sigh. “We sold the estate to cover my father’s debts. My parents divorced. I went to comp school. First, the kids tried to beat me up for being posh. After that failed, they taught me how to swear instead.” Ferdinand took a sip of his tea. “Then I studied law. By this time next year, I should be a solicitor.”

“You still love arguing then.” 

“There is nothing else I would rather do for a living.”

“I am glad you have done well, despite everything.”

“What about you? What do you do with yourself these days?”

“I work for Edelgard. She took over _The Black Eagle_ , her father’s paper, after he died.”

“Yes, I remember reading that. She has not changed. I recognised her at once. And she has a girlfriend now?”

“Yes. Byleth.”

“So you and her- Hmm. Never mind.”

Ferdinand drew a pattern in the spilt sugar on the table. Perhaps in the last five years he’d acquired a brain-to-mouth filter? Surely not. In any case, Hubert could guess the line of his thoughts.

“We were never a couple. I know everyone thought so at school, but it has never been true.”

Ferdinand looked unconvinced. “You loved her.”

_I loved you. You looked like a hero even dressed in our hideous blue and yellow PE kit, wielding a hockey stick as if the next goal made the difference between life and death. Even though we fought over the slightest provocation, you’d never let anyone on the field knock me down._

“Edelgard and I are not...compatible as lovers.”

“Ah. I can relate to that problem.” 

“Do you have a partner?”

“It seems I am doomed to love people whose hearts are already spoken for. I always wondered if you hexed me but-” Ferdinand stopped and put a hand over his mouth. He looked down into his tea, cheeks aflame.

“Hexed you?” Hubert pressed. 

“Yes. Because you were the first.”

"Come off it. I was hardly an attractive proposition when we were at school." 

"I was jealous of you and Edelgard. You were always together and the way you smiled at her…" Ferdinand shrugged. "You were my first."

He leaned back and looked away. There was a vulnerability to him Hubert had never seen before. It made him feel like it was safe to show his hand too. What did he have to lose? He might never get this chance again. Did he want to wait and run into Ferdinand again, five years in the future when he was married with three kids and a dog? No. 

"You were my first too. For what it's worth." 

Ferdinand laughed. "You hated me." 

"I think you'll find it was you who started all the fights. Your competitive streak was out of control."

“Do not pretend at innocence! You deliberately provoked me! If only we could go back in time...”

Hubert took a deep breath. He couldn’t let Ferdinand walk away. Not again.

“Why should we need to go back in time?”

Hubert fished out his wallet and extracted a business card. Ferdinand took it, one eyebrow raised. “You’re giving me your number?”

“In case you were curious to see what I looked like without a bloody nose.”

Ferdinand smiled. Then his pocket buzzed. He checked his phone. “Lorenz. I should go.”

They both stood. Ferdinand leaned in, like he was going for a kiss. Hubert reared back. "I don't want a pity kiss."

"Such accusations! Do I seem the sort of man to give out such kisses? How about a handshake, then?"

Hubert reached out to accept. But then the devil took him: he used their joined hands to pull Ferdinand close. "On second thoughts -" 

Ferdinand raised himself up. Then they were kissing, Ferdinand's fingers firmly cupping Hubert's chin. He tasted like sea salt. Mermaid hair brushed Hubert's cheek.

It was over too soon. Ferdinand stepped back and smiled at him, sweet and a little smug. Hubert should say something sarcastic, break the thread of tension between them. But he could only stare and wonder if he was actually conscious. Maybe this was some delusion and he was out cold on the beach, felled by the frisbee.

"Was that agreeable? You look a little startled.”

“Do you really need to hear me say it?”

Ferdinand laughed. “Give me your phone.”

“Why?”

“So I can give you my number. Let me know how much it is to replace the sunglasses.”

“They were cheap."

“I am not my father. Let me pay my debts.”

And Hubert really couldn’t argue with that.

***

Hubert found Edelgard hunched under the parasol, pretending to read his bloody book. Byleth was asleep, stretched out in the sun beside her. Hubert could never see any appeal in cooking yourself but each to their own. Beside Byleth was the plastic bucket with a lone fish in it. 

Edelgard kept sneaking appreciative glances at Byleth’s bare back. The sight of Hubert wiped the lascivious look from her face and replaced it with something a touch guilty. He collapsed beside her, desperately seeking the shade of the parasol.

“Glad to see you’re still alive.”

“Indeed. Death by frisbee is not how I plan on leaving this world.”

“At least the frisbee guy was a bit pretty. For a surfer, anyway.”

“Was he? I didn’t really notice.”

Edelgard smacked his leg playfully. “You were enthralled. You couldn’t take your eyes off him.”

“It was Ferdinand. Do you remember?”

Edelgard lowered the book, eyes flashing with interest. “Ferdinand? Ferdinand von Aegir? Captain of the hockey team Ferdinand? My-car-is-better-than-yours Ferdinand?”

“The very same.”

Edelgard laughed. “I always wondered if he had a little crush on you when we were at school. So does he talk like a surfer now? ‘Those wave are totally tubular, dude!’ and such?”

“Haha. No. You never told me you thought he had a crush.”

“Would you have believed me? And anyway, you hated him. He was public enemy number one. You called him a dunderheaded fop during debate class.”

“He was. But maybe he’s changed. Think how far we’ve come since then. We abandoned our fathers, started from scratch. Learnt to live on our own terms. Maybe he’s done the same.”

“Maybe. Or maybe he’s just very, very pretty, which makes up for his lesser qualities.”

“Can’t you just be happy I have someone to bring to one of your double dates?”

“Oh, I’m thrilled. I’m getting my interrogation ready as we speak.”

“Good. I would appreciate your expert opinion on the matter.”

Maybe things were about to turn around for both of them. She clearly adored Byleth and now he’d swapped numbers with Ferdinand.

There was just one thing he was curious about -

“So the fish in the bucket-”

Edelgard grimaced but her eyes were gleaming. “Let’s just say I have nothing to fear when it comes to being ‘normal’.”


End file.
